(no subject)

[keepingintouch]

One of the things that helped us so much before in journal chronicling was the realization of how much mood swings are regulated by monthly cycles. And... really, I think I'm going to have to start recording them specifically. I'll private all other posts, but this one...

Because I have been bleeding except for two days for like four weeks now. A normal period, and then two weeks of spotting, and I think I might have started another period (maybe???) Saturday or Sunday or Monday. I don't know, but it got heavy again. So dates, just so I have a quick reference:

Thursday would have been two weeks of 'spotting' so... I guess I was counting Thursday, July 6th as the start of spotting? Which is normal for me. Have your period, spot a day or two after, spot some time in the middle, no concern. So I must have started my last one somewhere around July 1st. Which is not what I told the doctor on the phone, I'll have to change that when I go in. I told her June 25th. But there's no way, with the amount of concern I have.

So the whole two weeks, it wasn't really that dark, brown, old stuff. That's what it usually is at first, with a bit of fresh in the middle. It's been fresh. Except for Saturday, when it was a lot more but dark. Sunday and Monday were the same way, and then Tuesday major cramping and today too and I don't ever cramp so badly and I am not a happy me.

I am pretty sure that cramping + the amount of blood means an early new period. I definitely hope so.

Anyway, the appointment is for Tuesday, July 25th. That gives time for this one to finish if that's what it is, and if that's what it isn't, that is about the time my patience will turn to panic.

I know my hormones are off, they have always been off. That is why I am able to easily track my moods and when I have a really bad month emotionally understand that if I can just make it through a week, then everything will be okay. It's why I haven't gone through with extreme thoughts of what I should do, and how I learned how to separate what my body was communicating (and my resulting thoughts) from Eon's thoughts. It's how I learned that I can be emotional but it doesn't have to define me or what I do.

And because I'm terrified of having my job taking away from me, I am the picture of one of those people with that constant depression (I can't remember the name now), always depressed, always low, but it's normal for me, has always been normal, so I don't seek help for it. I know there's a physical reason for it.

That's why I've never done anything. Messing with hormones sounds like scary business. I don't want to do this.

But I am not going to bleed for a month straight and NOT go to the doctor. Lines have been drawn.

You know what's a little scarier? The thought of going in and having the doctor look at me like she doesn't know why I'm there. "There's nothing wrong with you."

I have been holding to "I'm okay, it's just hormones." for years now. I don't want the doctor to tell me that I'm just a special kind of crazy.

Avoidant personality at it's best, folks. Somehow I'll be strong.