It's 8 Celsius out, I have my windows open for the first time in a month. The sun is coming in. My laundry a purring away, I've done the unthinkable and ordered out a Starbucks coffee (their winter specials are just my favorite things), and despite the weight of job searches, the fact I've got class I've not studied for in an hour, and that it's, you know, Winter and Monday... I feel all the happiness of one of those really calm, lazy late spring Saturday mornings.

Life is wonderful right now.

I was at work today, and on the way to the restroom before the start time. Had a clear... Can it be called this?.... Intrusive thought, "Are you okay?"

Which I dismissed. Random thoughts not necessarily a part of my current train of thought both my own, not belonging to anyone, and belonging to those within can be multiple in a day.

But then it repeated, not uncommon, and with more force....not unnecessarily uncommon, but less so. What was unusual eas the presence behind it, the sort I can identify as belonging to someone. And it was very much eye-to-eye, not quite a visual hallucination, but...almost? I don't know how to explain it exactly. I knew it was eye to eye, this voice got right close to ask.

Usually, it clicks then. I can put a name to the words. Usually it is one of the trio of boys I talk about frequently here. But it...it wasn't an unfamiliar person, but it wasn't anyone I've put a name to, and it's someone I've mentioned briefly to the boys before, who at the time only grinned and said they were sort of "them," but not quite. That was 5 years ago and I've dismissed it ages ago.

This voice, along with a second, was the voice and presence that preceeded my last big break down, when I couldn't ignore them any longer. But it was timely, with reason. I broke down due to circumstances then, which I'd continually ignored and swept under the rug but was wrecking havoc on my mental wellbeing. And they didn't show up until it'd been happening for quite some time.


I have learned to look for patterns, my mind and body works in patterns. This confuses me. I am not mentally weak right now, I am not unstable. I am not in need of these unnamed boys, and they haven't shown up since the long time ones (Journey and co.) finally managed to break through and get my attention.

Are you okay? He asked twice, and was satisfied when I started questioning why he would be there.

Am I okay? I wonder if this is the stress of inevitable change coming soon (which has never caused them to come about before) or if it's some other message. I've not been physically well for awhile. For now, all I know to do is to take it as a subconscious warning to pay attention.

And I hope that's all it is, no way do I want to enter the mental state I was in the last time he came about.

Several years ago, there was this girl on one of those competition shows who came in, sang a light-hearted (funny, really) parody and got voted in based on how she looked Just Alike a famous singer that was younger than her, and then made a parody song out of it. ("This is my face." is the lyric I remember.)

Then she made it in two rounds, but quickly lost her appeal because her songs were too serious. She wanted to make a difference. She wanted to get a good message in. She was...too philosophical and serious for stage.

And I feel that way when it comes to writing in this journal. I want to be too philosophical, but I also want to be friendly. I'd love to make friends.

But I'm too busy staring at a blank page going, "What now?"

So.... what do you guys like to post on, and what do you like to read from others?

I do like having a journal, but have been so busy. Today is my last class beforwle a rwo week vacation. I learn if I managed to pass or not.

And in about two weeks I will learn weather or not there will even be another class starting December for my level.

Having to take evening classes so I can work full time is an honest pain when I never know if enough others will sign up for the next level.

I walk out for awhile and this goes to sile ce. Funny, thought Cory would be all about this one. Will try to catch up bit by bit! - Journey

I, along with loads of multiples it seems, will sit and argue with myself over my experiences as a multiple. Sometimes just with myself but often times, ironically enough, with others that are a part of who I am and how I experience the world.

The hardest part voicing it is that it seems someone inside experiences or believes are existence in the same way someone out in the internet world does. Not with everything and certainly not all specifics, but there is relativity to a lot of the generalities. And it makes me nervous to constantly be going, "Yeah, I understand that!"

Being able to relate to others like that makes me nervous and doubtful. NOT being able to relate in some ways not one of us can relate makes me nervous and doubtful.

Eon has been around this past week. I wouldn't have even noticed him except I've been pondering the whole thing (and really missing Journey. He started this thing, asked me to be sure the Friday questions were done, then LEFT without answering them himself). I adore Eon, though he is full of contradiction and his existence gives a lot of us headaches. But if he hasn't always tried to do right, or did right with the wrong motivations, he has grown and been willing to change so very much. (And we have changed for him also.)

I have been in a lot of physical pain, and that is one of the things that gets his attention. It is when he starts pushing to get things done. Again, it is both productive and not. I needed help and he grumped and went quiet when I was with other people, but this time at least didn't demand too much isolation. And when I couldn't handle it anymore, it was Eon who grumbled and worked to find ways to help.

Eon adores music and he lives for playing. I don't like music much and I enjoy playing but won't go out of my way or "suffer" for it. The amount of music and the length of practice (even in while in pain) this week shows me he is around. When I wonder something or reach inward, it is his presence and his answers I get. Both his good and his bad is what I've had to deal with this week.

Also, finally, Eon really, really does not get along with every one of us inside. To that end, he has both kept Nate (and maybe Journey?) at a distance and "kept" Nate by default nearby. Nate sees Eon as a threat, so he hates not knowing what he's doing at any given time, but especially when Eon is nearby. Which is...notable but I am not sure how to explain how I experience that.

I am Cory-Eon this week, consistently. And as is typical, when I start writing or playing or music comes about, I am more Eon-Cory.

I think this post started one way but ended another. Ah, well. I don't know what I am saying anymore.

Life Philosophy: Find Something Beautiful
(Outside of the "Chaos Boxes")
-Journey

When I first met Cory and all, I was pretty determined to keep a distance from everyone. My family travelled incessantly. I had no real identity and all I wanted to do was to be able to do anything I wanted and still get let alone. Typical angsting teenager. My past self would be horrified to know I've embraced much of everything my parents stood for.

Mom would typically toss me outside (figuratively!) with assignments (literally). I wasn't allowed to come back until I'd gotten three kids within two years of my age to write a sentence on something, or until I'd taken certain photos on those old disposable cameras, or until I'd experienced something else. And I had to scribble some form of an outline so I could write about it later. The notecards, mates!

I used to frustrate both them and myself by using all forms of bad writing techniques (or attempting to draw pictures and say those were good enough notes, or photos, or accidentally dropping cameras into puddles and..hah, ah, the experiments...) or taking photos which barely fit the bill. I'd go out of my way just to reinterpret assignments incorrectly. When I met Mark, I remember being real proud to prove that I had indeed met another teenager who was partly dressed in a clown outfit in summer. That was no barely-hit-it photo.

I jetted away from home the moment I could to try a life that was "stable." My goal was like to buy a house at 18 and stay there forever and have my bones buried there. That crashed and burned. Over a period of years, I found out I was GOOD at the things my parents drilled into me. Better than that, I could get paid for it. Embracing their lessons was more out of practical desperation. But it gradually turned into something I loved, and at some point I realized it was a philosophy.

Get up. Get moving. Find something beautiful (interesting, new, moving, exciting, etc, etc...) Notice it. At the very least ponder about it. Preferably photo it. Write about it. Publish it and get paid.

Sometimes my parents would give me an assignment that felt obscure. But the answer woulda been like a sailor trying to know what powered his boat, all while using the wind to his whims. Things I dealt with most days. I learned those are great discoveries. Things right in front of you that if you take second to ponder them become pretty amazing.

And when I figured that out, finding a home suddenly wasn't a crash and burn project. I don't technically have my own plot of land, not in world and definitely not as an alter. But I learned how to hold on to some things.

Mom and Dad are inner world people. Very much not even shadows of alters for Cory. But I know them, and they shaped me. Despite bumps and angst, I'm appreciative to them.

Last posted a week ago. I suppose a minimum post a week is a good start to returning to writing. Back when I was on LiveJournal, Inhad far more to say. And having that journal proved to be very useful to understanding health related issues later on. It's pretty amazing how one can start connecting the dots with both physical and mental things using consistent writings fro m years before.

Anyway, in my classroom I have a stuffed toy. Her name is Sandy and she is popular in all my classes (1st to 5th graders). Even the older kids will occasionally ask to hold Sandy when they want something to just hold.

In my youngest class, I've had to do a schedule because there's a usually friendly rivalry between two of the students. One put the other into ulan uncontrollable crying fit when he took it, basically making it a habit that anyone but his friend could have it. Then when it was finally the friend's turn she had to point at the calendar to prove it. No other issues even when I quietly switched days on a couple of students or with the girl who essentially got her twice. Just with the rivalry. Usually it's actually both cute and helpful. The two wind up near one another all the time, and are competitive to do well in class. It's good motivation and a nice friendship usually. But it is definitely clear who the most competitive one is!

In my second class, for like two months my students would bring in more toys to set next to Sandy. Yesterday they gave her jewelry and "food" in the form of a fruit shapesld eraser. The jewelry got taken home but Sandy seems to have a good food source now.

My third class essentially plays catch with her, and my fourth and eldest class will occasionally ask why it is Sandy gets to sleep in class. This week, when no one had an answer, I called on Sandy and then answered for her. The laughter didn't stop for ages, and then came the demands as to how she answered because that day no one had given her a book to look at (sometimes they do). I said she had a good memory. Now the class theory is that Sandy is a genius.

I bought her last year for a pass the ball game. She is very long and soft so pretty much perfect for it. I never dreamed that she would become such a big subject to class!


What my students don't know is that I have another toy that looks just like Sandy but is about a third of her length. I am sure one day I will know that it's the right time.

Probably after a day the "Sandy is a Sandwich Hotdog...yummy!" Joke gets on my nerves.

Yeah so I've been spearing this whole "let's try and see what's up in the community and get to know peope" thing andnhave been sticking to the whole "we all refer to ourselves as Cory"

But for once Cory just keeps stepping back and letting me. Girl's been tired lately and not really caring. So thought I'd come in more personal.

Still weird using first person to refer to myself. Any. How. None of the facts about me refer to real life, blah, blah..


Name's Journey, I just go with teen as age, give or take 10 years at times. World traveler, photographer, and writer. Probably am the reason Cory's not lived in her home country for years. I like to mess around with accents and writing styles except to be read more easily. Poor as dirt in my reality but also got some cool abilities to project myself as forms of transportation.

Uh, so I like nature things and photography. Love talking travel and about boats, airplanes, and everything else that moves. Sometimes I'm in a big pirate kick. Pirates are awesome.

Annnd... I don't know. It's weird to talk and I Feel like I'm stretching every way just to try to connect to someone.

After this post not gonna introduce anyone else unless they want to. Nate's usually pretty against this stuff and the others are quiet usually. But there are spurts always so we'll see.

Let's see if this produces any results.